eyeofthetigress86: (Juri Han #20)
[personal profile] eyeofthetigress86
The major thing that happened to me lately was a heated argument with my father. On my birthday no less. I don't care to rehash the specifics in great detail, but the man is irrational. I've complained before about how he cuts off my sentences. It's not even as if I'm spewing paragraphs either.

I told him that you can't have a real conversation if you refuse to listen to other people like that. You know what his response was when I told him to stop interrupting me and listen? "That's not a conversation." Orly? Because I tried his version and he basically told me to stop interrupting him. Hypocrite.

Apparently a "conversation" in Bizarro World is listening to him and obeying without question. I can't even finish my thoughts nor can I interrupt him. And he insists that he understands whatever I'm trying to tell him before I've even gotten to the point.

But it's not as if he understands even when I finish a thought. It's like talking to a brick wall, and it's just come to feel like banging my head against it whenever I speak to him. So I blew up, shouted and told him to just shut up already and let me finish my thought. What else can I really do to be heard?

Of course he had to tell me about how his father would never have taken such disrespect and would've hit him in response. Well, I never knew his father, I'm a female and "respect" is earned so I'll be giving it when I feel respected too. It's crystal clear that he doesn't respect me or my mother, and I'm not going to bow down anymore.

I'm suppose to just shut up and take his abuse because he's my father? I did exactly that for most of my life, but I don't feel God would want me to be verbally and emotionally mistreated without ever standing up for myself. There's no other way but to shout when I've tried other avenues to be heard. What else can I do but raise my voice? It gets a real result.

I'm sure Dad's father wouldn't be happy with the way he talks to us if he's the good and honorable man I've heard about, but he honestly has nothing to do with our personal arguments. It's about my inability to handle it anymore and how I just blow up as well my father's disrespect despite the way that he always tries to accuse me of his own issues.

There's no talking to someone who acts so irrational. I've just avoided any longer conversations with him altogether. I didn't bother apologizing for shouting either. He never apologizes for anything and the last time I tried to give an olive branch that way he just shut me down. He said he didn't want to hear it because nothing would ever change.

Of course not. He's incapable of changing and nothing changes if you can't even have a calm and rational conversation with someone about the problems you're both having. I just can't deal well with someone who acts like a child all the time. It's not entirely his fault because my mother and I know he has brain damage and he acts like a total ass when he's hurting.

But there comes a time to take responsibility for your actions on some level. It's not okay to be as abusive as he gets. It's not okay to disrespect us by failing to listen and by getting so mad at us just because he's in pain. It's not something I'm going to tolerate on my end anymore. It's enough already.

As for my mother, she can handle him however she wants. I won't jump in to defend her if she never really defends me to his face in my presence. She can take care of herself. She always defends him to me when we're alone in unnecessary ways, as if to apologize for how horrible he can be sometimes. I'm not interested in her excuses anymore.

He didn't ruin my birthday only because I could see where my day was going. Both of them acted like absolute asshats when I tried to discuss a plan for the chair I was buying. Apparently the idea of having a plan upset my mother terribly and my father wouldn't hear of it either. He said we would surmount every obstacle as it arose.

They apparently didn't want me to mention actually measuring the chair and the space it would go in because that would be way too rational and logical and all-around intelligent. They both shut me down so I had to give up. Then they asked if I liked my chair and I wasn't that enthused because it's too damn big for the space. Hence why other people measure things!

I tried to explain how I was going to talk to them about it earlier and that's when he cut me off in a huff because he merely assumed I was entirely ungrateful about his efforts. What does that have to do with me disliking the chair's size and the fact that neither of them listen to me on a regular basis? He might've known better if he would've listened to me then too.

My mother had the decency to talk about everything calmly later on. She found out exactly why I was so upset and that I had made an honest attempt to talk to them about the issue of the chair's size before we even went to the store. She finally understood where I was coming from and that I had no issues with the chair not being those most amazing, perfect thing ever.

I told them I liked the chair itself just fine, but it's too big for our den. I don't think I need to feign a bizarre notion of its perfection to show gratitude for them paying part of the price and helping me get it inside. The only reason I was upset was that neither of them can even handle a discussion with me.

I can't help it if two adults over 65 don't think that measuring items and spaces is a good idea when buying furniture. It's honestly like dealing with a couple of kids who can't communicate well with each other as they're failing to listen to me. I'm sure I'd be more patient if only I didn't have Bipolar, but that's not something I can magically fix or avoid.

The fact that everything happened on my birth date didn't bother me all that much, though. I don't have undue expectations about special dates as if they're sacred. I was doing something I really needed to get done, but I could tell the day wouldn't be a good one with my parents. I already felt pretty shitty to begin with health-wise too.

Everyone else I dealt with that day was honestly nice and several people wished me a happy birthday online. The only major issues I had with that day were my insomnia, upset stomach and my father being a jerk. Mom made an effort to converse with me at the end of the day. I'm not holding anything against her about it. He's the one who really made me agitated.

Mom explained how he felt, as if he can't possibly express his own feelings to me like a mature adult. He assumed I was ungrateful when I most assuredly was not. He could've just said something about it to me personally, but my mother has to come explain his feelings to me. Honestly!

They have this strange belief that giving me material goods is a great way of showing their love, though. I told Mom that showing me love would be listening to what I have to say, not giving me things. That's not real love, but I've got to explain that to them?

It's really awful when you seem to know more about life and love than your parents do. *sigh*

So there's my emo rant about my state of affairs. I'm just getting my feels out about it because I honestly have nowhere else to unload them without directly talking someone's ear off. It's easier to dump a rant here and be done with it, especially as I don't think there's much advice to be given for this since you can't force people to listen and comprehend things.

I don't really hang on to whatever happened yesterday like baggage. In fact, I wasn't even going to bring it up here, but then something happened online and I mentioned it without explaining myself. I thought I might as well tell LJ and DW all about my feels now instead of avoiding a rant. It's helpful to get it all out of me this way.

I don't feel I need to write it out any further, though. I'm fully over it until the next time my father and I clash. My response to his bullshit by then might be very different, however. I might just be able to stop talking to him altogether if he's acting like that.

Ignoring someone who's being irrational and abusive isn't that hard for me so I can try that avenue now. It might serve me better.

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eyeofthetigress86

September 2017

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