eyeofthetigress86: (Katsuragi SK #13)
[personal profile] eyeofthetigress86
It's changed since I had that hysterectomy last October and I really noticed a major difference last week right before my birthday. I initially had pretty mild experiences with Bipolar II and Paranoid Schizophrenia, but the paranoia only tied into Social Anxiety. That eventually faded away in the last three or so years, especially as I started doing exposure therapy for the SAD which diminished in strength.

My hallucinations are completely controlled by my medication now, but I spoke to one of the people at my psychiatrist who recommended adding a low morning dose of Geodon to the one I take at night. He explained that since I only take it once a day and the dose is extremely low, supplementing it in the morning might help me.

My insomnia and racing thoughts which are typical of Bipolar gradually became worse this year, but it really started to bother me last Friday right before my birthday. I realized that my diagnosis has changed and we're sure that it's a result of my hormones readjusting after the hysterectomy. I'm not even sure what to call my combo of Schizophrenia and Bipolar II at this point.

It may be that calling my combo "Schizoaffective Disorder" has finally become relevant, but it's still so difficult to diagnose because my version is very mild. There are so many symptoms that don't fit into my personal experience with it; the psychologists I've seen agree that labeling it just isn't an easy task and I barely fit the bill for Bipolar last time.

My expression of depressive episodes is more like a big rut where I lose interest in activities I usually love and it doesn't happen to me on a frequent basis. I'll sleep and eat too little or too much, but I ultimately feel more lazy, fatigued and listless than sad and I don't have suicidal thoughts nor do I get very indecisive.

On the other end of the spectrum, I'll either be irritable or mellow during my hypomanic episodes and I haven't been manic in quite some time nor have I ever had full-blown mania. When I'm hypomanic, I might be easily distracted while I'm having racing thoughts and insomnia. I'll also become pretty talkative if I'm not too mellowed out by it.

Then there's my issue with that borderline shopping addiction too. I do have some amount of self-control regarding it which is so unusual for addictions even within the realm of my diagnosis. It's definitely there, but I can refuse the impulse altogether or monitor the way I respond to it thankfully.

Most of the other manic symptoms don't really apply. I never get paranoid and filled with rage nor do I take risks and go wild by acting out sexually, looking for an adrenaline rush or by making a lot of foolish decisions. On the contrary, I'm always a cautious person in that regard. I'm not a thrill-seeker by any means nor do I look for sexual partners. So much of the criteria doesn't fit me.

I never act really out-of-character with bizarre-thinking or confusion. The insomnia usually comes with a creative boost that actually makes me wittier and more imaginative unless I'm having physical pains at the same time. My thought process is definitely abnormal, but I actually have a better experience with connecting ideas and being creative.

I don't feel my thoughts and speech are disorganized, I just get irritated at having my train of thought repeatedly interrupted or I'll have agitation about how loud and fast my racing thoughts are. It's easier not to be verbally engaged at those times, but writing something online becomes incredibly easy and fluid if I'm not interrupted too often.

My experience doesn't involve alogia or a blunted affect, but I do show motivational anhedonia. That's probably why completing my personal goals regarding hobbies is so difficult. I can handle goals about improving my health and others that are more important, but those tied into my hobbies fall to the wayside.

I'm sure I used to have trouble regarding avolition several years ago too. That diminished alongside my experience with Social Anxiety Disorder and I don't think it's a problem for me currently. It seemed to disappear along with my paranoia that had always directly tied into the SAD. So much has honestly improved, but some issues still exist to be worked on of course.

If I could better define my problem, it would be easier to tackle the symptoms. I wish the diagnosis for it weren't so difficult, but at least there are things I do understand about my personal experience. There was a time when I couldn't see through my own fog enough to clearly label any of my problems. That was several years ago and I'm far from where I've been thankfully.

So I guess I'm going to call my personal mild combo of Schizophrenia and Bipolar something new. Maybe it really has become better labeled as a minor expression of Schizoaffective Disorder that's very difficult to define as to diagnose. Just saying that I have SZA doesn't honestly describe it to others. It's just too out-of-box. But at least I recognize that my experience has evolved.
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eyeofthetigress86: White Tiger (Default)

September 2017

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