eyeofthetigress86: (Itsumo Together)
[personal profile] eyeofthetigress86
I've barely started the 20mg of Geodon in the morning, but the transfer over didn't go well. It hasn't been very effective yet although I might need a longer adjusting period. My thoughts aren't negative, but they are intrusive in how my mind wanders and it's not easy to focus solely on whatever I'm doing.

It's like I have this urge to drift off into a daydream all the time and it's gotten worse over the weekend. Even writing this right now isn't easy. My brain trains just keep diverting to places I'm not interested in going. There's no quick and easy solution I can think of either, no band-aid type of fix.

When it's been like this in the past, I've just had to let those brain trains run until I was on fumes and I'd get in bed before I completely ran out of fuel. It's hard to explain to others how problematic it is, but it's ten times worse when your thoughts are racing wildly.

That's especially difficult when there are four or five trains of thought barreling down the tracks and colliding. But my version isn't disorganized as typical of Bipolar. I gain a striking ability to connect everything together in such a wonderfully creative, artistic and yet logical way without the capacity to explain everything to others.

What I can always do is write it all down for later when I'll correct the typos and word blips. That's when I confirm for myself that it might sound like madness, but there's a method to it and it's one I've used to write with for years.

That is until I stopped writing for a very long period because my symptoms were evolving. That probably led up to my diagnosis shift more recently. Those years weren't all terrible ones either. I felt much better during 2014 and 15 before having physical health problems in 16.

This year has just been mixed between high points and problems with my physical health followed by issues with the SZA shift specifically. The inability to focus definitely isn't a low point this year because it could be so much worse, but it is something I want to work on so badly.

It directly affects my moods because it can lead to agitation if my train of thought gets interrupted too much offline. Sometimes it's got a more mellow vibe behind it, though. That basically became a new aspect of hypomania some time ago and it's honestly a welcome development because elation is ultimately a false high that's annoying after the fact.

If I can just reel this in a bit, that would be preferred. I just don't want to be so zen that I'm knocked out like the 40mg dose was doing. There was a bit of stress lately because of Lucius' behavior and my new habit of trying to be up by 5 or 6 AM to monitor him, though.

He's very active around that time. If he's inside then he'll start calling for me if I'm still in bed or he might make noises at my window to wake me so he can get inside the house. That's the time when he seems to get too physical with Pearl and I wouldn't be happy with myself if something happened to her because I was sleeping.

Besides all of that, I've only been dealing with the medication change and being up at odd hours before crashing rather quickly. I'm up and down lately, and I keep thinking that I'm subconsciously worried about Pearl's safety. That's probably forcing some SZA symptoms.

Any stress or anxieties can exacerbate the symptoms of a mental illness if you allow it to. One sign of it was how I've been waking up completely tense and feeling beaten down. I've had that happen to me before when I was internalizing some kind of struggle.

The only thing that's helped in the past is using tech less and sitting still with calm breathing to let my mind flow naturally. I can do it inside or outside and it really isn't meditation. It's removing myself from things that keep my mind overactive and letting my thoughts flow freely before I consciously focus them in a brain-change exercise.

I learned that one way back when I was reading books like "Change Your Brain, Change Your Life" by Daniel G. Amen because I understood that changing your brain-based behaviors is the only way to cure learned ones that don't serve you well. I was using many tips and techniques to rethink myself, my life and my responses to the world around me.

I noticed that when I felt so good earlier this year, I got back into that behavior of unplugging and going outside to unravel my wild, racing thoughts before focusing them calmly. It's something I should've kept doing that happened because I was going outside for Lucius.

He wasn't allowed inside at the time, but his ability to come in now doesn't mean I should stop going out into nature and doing those exercises. I'm sure it's going to benefit me to get back into that simple lifestyle change. Then other things that need to change will start to follow.

In fact, I think I'll go out for a bit after this post.

See you, friends. 💗
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eyeofthetigress86

September 2017

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