eyeofthetigress86: (Catwoman Pose #9)
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I unplugged completely for several days before getting sick, but as soon as that cleared up my cousin came down for a visit from OK City. She's been here since last Saturday and we've done a lot together. I haven't really had any time to do a lot online although I've popped in to check my emails and contact close friends.

I don't have a whole lot of time to be online now either, but I'll be totally free by tomorrow. Julie is leaving on Sunday morning and my 'rents will be in church for the morning and evening services. I'll at least avoid the morning crowd there. It's too packed in a small space. Plus I don't come regularly and newcomers greet me as if I'm not a member.

I've actually been a part of our church since before they found a building. My immediate family is a part of the church's foundation and now my father's a deacon too. I just don't get to go there often. It's not so much a problem of my SAD taking effect or with the people there. My subconscious just completely correlates church buildings with terrible childhood memories.

I was suffering from demonic oppression and attacks in my first church. I only discovered just how the leadership was in disarray when I became an adult even though I witnessed some of it firsthand. A lot of terrible things happened to me there in that building and it deeply affected me psychologically so that going to our second church home wasn't really a positive experience either.

The people there aren't the problem at all. It's just my damaged psyche always creeping up on me and giving me anxiety along with definite demonic influences. Demons don't try to outright kill you unless there's something major you can do for God because they carefully target their victims. That's an ongoing side-effect despite my attempts to fight it.

I've tried to go there more on multiple occasions and I know God wants me to keep trying, but there's also the SZA's Bipolar attributes to factor into my experiences. There's always some level of a roller coaster ride when you deal with Bipolar and mine shifts up and down in several ways. One is how it affects the SAD by making me less active sometimes.

My life is definitely highlighted by cycles and it seems next to impossible to break the patterns. I can't form honest routines because of it, but I also find creating habits to be difficult due to being an HSP and thus loving variation from anything that could become standard. If I couldn't spontaneously choose new life options, I'm sure I would feel like a mindless zombie.

This cyclic behavior is reminiscent of the way children behave, but I was actually much more routine as a child unless my environment entirely changed. It felt stable and stability felt stifling and dull. It felt oppressive and I didn't like the idea that I was repressed at all even though being grounded should've been a comfort. It wasn't.

Some of my cyclic behavior is refreshing and good while other tendencies to reshape my behaviors are certainly negative. It also seems to be connected to my physical health this year because it's gone up and down quite a bit so far. Back in 2014-15 I felt more stabilized without restrictions, but 2016 was truly terrible for me physically.

The last half of a year has been more of a roller coaster ride, but that's better than 2016 was overall. Recharging helps me handle those dips in mood and physical health. At least it isn't dull because variety is something I can appreciate. I'm just hoping it eases up a bit toward the end of this year since fall and winter are my favorite seasons.

Well, that's enough of a stream of consciousness. I'll make a swag post later on when I get some free time because I've picked up several new things while I've been out lately. I've gotten three new books and a couple of anime series. The latter I can check out and eventually trade in at 2NC someday. I rarely buy anime these days, but they were discounts so it's like a small investment for when I'm really needing cash later on.

See you, friends. ❤

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September 2017

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